Brush my teeth for thirty seconds each side then wash my face and put on moisturiser. Make my bed while the moisturiser seeps into my pores. Back to the bathroom for serum. Turn on my laptop and open the window for ventilation. Log in. Open Outlook and Teams and let them load. Back to the bathroom for sunscreen. Whole glass of warm water and swallow my assortment of vitamins as I think through today’s to-do list. Write it down in my planner lest I forget the tiniest of tasks. Run a load of laundry. But should I do the load that requires drying first or second? Second. Gives the wet load more time to air dry.
Start the morning off with emails. Read. Answer. Make sure I spelled their names correctly out of respect. Hope you had a lovely weekend. Looking forward to hearing from you. Warm regards. Read my response again. No errors. Send. Outstanding messages from yesterday. Ask how their evenings were then reply to the query. No worries, can do, leave it with me, will get this to you by end of day. Take the wet load of laundry out and air dry it in the living room. Run the second load that requires drying. Design work needs to be done so it can be proofed in time so it can be printed in time. The contrast between these two colors isn’t enough. Best to change cream to white. White space here. White space there. What do people have against negative space? I can come up with a better tagline than this. Be witty. Be bold. Be creative. Strike a balance between the text and imagery. Who put this extra space between these two words? Delete. A maximum of two fonts on one page. One serif, one san serif. There we go. Can I work a pun into this subheading? Make sure the QR code is tracked so I can write the metrics into the report. Now review this script for next week’s filming. These two consecutive sentences have the same structure. Change it up slightly. Omit overused phrases like “cutting-edge”. Think about what filming direction would work for this specific scene. Walking shot? Quick pan? Dolly zoom? What kind of cadence do I want? Which word needs to be emphasized? This looks like something I can work with. A Teams message. A new task. Yes, I will gladly add that onto my plate. Will only take an hour to complete. Don’t worry about it at all. Don’t worry about me at all.
Lunch break. A quick Duolingo lesson. It’s mid-month so pay my council tax bill. Double check the account number. Double check the amount. Pay. Upload posts as scheduled for the three different Instagram accounts I manage. Make sure emojis are used sparingly and that there is a call to action in each caption. Keyword research. Work it into the hashtags. Choose the appropriate song to accompany. Maybe no song at all. Share to story. Head into the kitchen and put leftovers in the microwave. Scroll break. Engagement post. Birthday post. Comment. Comment. Head to LinkedIn. Great ad. Great copy. Promotion announcement. Startup announcement. Another “dear connections”. Oh dear. Five-minute rot on TikTok. W and K will find this funny. Let me send it to them. Check on TikTok performance. Reply to DMs. Check on mail club. Check on WordPress. Food’s ready. Eat. Make sure to chew enough times before swallowing. Nobody is rushing you. Don’t just eat your food. Savor it. Full glass of water again. Rinse the dishes and get the grime off. Dishwasher. Clean up the countertops. Make sure they sparkle. Check on the laundry. Still slightly damp. 20-minute dry cycle. Vacuum the entire house and scrape all the carpets. All under record timing. I’ll just have to mop some other time. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe I care too much about this house.
Back to the desk I go. Work. Work a little more. Work some more. The prize for great work is more work. But I love my work. I live for this work. Laundry’s fully done so take it out and fold them neat. Back into the wardrobe they go. Make sure all emails and messages are replied to before logging off at 4pm.
Now switch my attention to non-work work. Design the posts that need to be designed. Proofread the articles that need to be queued for publication. Schedule the next check in with this person then that person. Update my planner with key dates. Father’s Day will be coming up soon. Make sure to call dad. Make sure to call dad at night time MYT so he won’t be busy and will be able to pick up. That translates to around two or three in the afternoon for me. Ask about his PhD dissertation and ask for his advice about that thing at work. I’m more like him than I realize. I’m more like him than I’d like to be. Don’t dwell on whether that is a good or bad thing. A month away from A’s hen do. Quickly research some affordable AirBnBs and think about what activities and games we can play. How do I make this memorable for her? How do I make it fun? I’m welling up with joy for her again at the idea of her happily ever after. Send her the ideas I’ve come up with so far and hope that she likes at least one of them. Send lengthy voicenote to M about everything that has gone wrong today and ask for his objective perspective. Do you think I was right to say this? Was I too mean? Was I being a bitch? Should I have said this instead? Why am I like this? What went wrong and when? I should ask D about the latest book he is reading. I haven’t texted him in a month or so. Ask this friend group when they will be free to call next. Saturday? Yes. 11pm Australian time? Let me convert that. Yes, that works for me. Think up a short mental agenda of everything I need to update them on. Need to schedule lunch with H. Need to schedule dinner with C. Reply to the email requesting a fire door inspection. I need to finish that McKinsey training course in a week and a half. I need to sit for my third marketing exam within the next week. Am I prepared? How do you know if you’re prepared for something? Is it a signal that comes from your brain or a feeling that comes from your heart? What if the signals cross? What are my chances of getting a distinction on this module? Can’t risk a merit, let alone a pass. I’m behind on my writing. Don’t think about that. I already know exactly what I want to write about this month. I just need to sit down and do it. What if nobody reads it? What if everybody reads it? Where should I go to get the next bag of coffee grounds for my partner? What’s the weather like tomorrow? What should I wear to go into office? What tasks await me tomorrow?
Stop.
I best get to the gym now before the post-work rush occupies all the machines. I might just work on legs today. But I’ll be walking a lot tomorrow. Maybe arms instead. Yes. Arms and core. Today we aim for a weight heavier than the last session. I feel like I look like I’m struggling. Are people looking at me struggle? Better to be seen struggling than not trying at all. One more rep. Let me change this music to something more upbeat. Something with a heavy bass that makes my body think I’m being chased by a wild creature. My body already constantly thinks that without the accompaniment of music. Oh that was a very smart lyric. Double entendre. I really need to listen to this rapper’s entire album and dissect his lyricism. That could make for good content. One more set. Pulse. Hold. Another scroll break. Stories showing food from home. I miss home more than I dare to admit. The yearning is something I am terrified to speak into existence. Because what if it translates to a one-way plane ticket? Because what if it reveals its true name as “regret”? Turn off my phone. Nonchalantly hover around the machine I need next until the person is done with their current set. How many sets do you have left? One? Perfect, thank you. Keep going even when I have nothing left to give. I need to fit into that maid of honor dress perfectly. I need to fit into this role perfectly. I can’t let the stress show on my body. If I cannot be mentally perfect then I will strive for physically perfect.
Walk home in the breeze and take an everything shower. Shampoo the hair then rinse it off. Use the hair mask that needs to sit for at least five minutes. In the meantime, scrub the tiredness off of my skin. Vigorously. Top it all off with shower gel. Grapefruit and ginger scented. Bought it because it was pink but I don’t know how I feel about the smell. Rinse everything off and towel dry. Blow dry my hair while catching up with the show I’m watching. Desperate Housewives. Third rewatch. Who am I most like? Who would I want to be like? Who wouldn’t I want to be like? Drama aside, the aesthetics of Wisteria Lane is as if god accidentally dropped a crumb of heaven onto Earth. Think about my time in the States. Think about New York and how I have never stopped loving that city. Think about the Knicks’ victory. My mayor Muslim. My bagel’s Jewish. My Christian Dior. Knicks in four. Poetry is everywhere if you dare to look for it. Poetry is god-like if you dare to create it. In the gutters and in the stars.
Dinner. Use up all the ingredients in the refrigerator before they go bad. Portion it out to last me a couple meals. Glass of water. Some reading then writing. I won’t bore you with the laborious gears that turn overtime in my head during these two activities. Take magnesium pills. Brush my teeth for thirty seconds each side. Check that the front door is locked. Check that the balcony door is locked. Check that the hobs are off. Set my alarms. Pull the sheets. Alexa, lights off. A little more scrolling. I really shouldn’t. Kindle instead. Fall asleep. But my mind is well alive. Thank you very much.
I can’t catch my breath. I can’t catch a break. Pull myself together because no one is coming to save me. I am not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know me. Pull myself together because there is no alternative. This is the life I chose. Can I choose differently now? Pull myself together because only I know how to work this glue. Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m not having fun anymore. Pull myself together because this is my birthright. No, it is not a curse, dearest. Dad, I’m scared of the monster under my bed. She looks a lot like me. Pull myself together. Pull my smile back to its widest form. Pull the strings taut. Dance for them, dance. Do it all again tomorrow. I won’t catch my breath. I won’t catch a break. Sweet dreams, baby.
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