to all past crushes of mine

“you and i have history.
don’t act like you don’t know me.”

dear *insert name here*,

it was like my heart was willingly sacrificed
for your next broadway show,
served on a silver platter to you
you took it in your bare hands
smashed it even further
melted it
told me you were going to heal it
set it aside
let it cool
into a puddle of
unsolicited mess
on the floor
on the counter
on your bed
on the couch
in your head

why—of all things that you’ve been told—
did you have to forget the fucking mold?


i think when i fell for you i didn’t just fall for you
it wasn’t the idea of you
it was somewhere between
the crux of the heart
and the bridge of your nose
the locks of your hair
(the frame around your glare)
the prominent jawline
and those eyes, so kind
it is simply mission impossible to
pinpoint why i fell for you

i’ve suspected the
vibration of your instrument
singing me to sleep
my song, your notes
the way your fingers prance and dance
from fret to string
i could listen all day—
wouldn’t get sick of a thing
because when you play you are so
indulged in each melody and every oscillation
you put me in such a situation
you should be carved from marble
and displayed in a museum
but i was too selfish to share you with somebody else
is that why you ran off to somebody else?

wait, i know,
it’s the way your eyes don’t scatter for even
a second when they are fixated on the screen
your love for games is unfathomable
if only your feelings for me were even half of that
but we know that can’t possibly morph into reality
you do not know what it feels like to like someone
to be head over heels and heels over head
to not want to blink when they’re around
to focus so hard on the person that you transition
into paying attention to focusing so much
that you lose that focus
intelligent and unfailingly,
you will destruct the enemy with one aim
little do you know,
you struck me right through the heart
and beside myself
who am i to blame?

or is it your cologne?
the one i keep smelling (hallucinating)
in every hallway
just thinking about how she’s the one
who gets that aroma now
you smell like sunshine after the rain
pillows after a heavy night of daydreaming
you smell like my future
but it faded a little too fast
if only i could bottle that up
then maybe i could’ve kept the feelings
and turn them into something that would last
but you told me the past is the past
and now, she’s so much more special than i ever was

on second thought i think it’s the fact that
you’re willing to give me answers
to questions that i die for
you explain each curriculum from the back of your mind
but i make you repeat it again
not because i don’t understand it
because you looked dashing
like an angel sent from the heavens
while in serious mode
i wasn’t listening the first time
how does your pretty little mind compress
this amount of knowledge?
how does your mouth form the words and
grant the vowels access?
how do you figure out the most complicated questions
but fail to figure out that my like for you
increases like an exponential graph?

sometimes i think it’s me
watching you from the sidelines
win a game or two
i get so anxious for you
the running and panting
the falling and cheering
how do you manage?
my heart is the trophy!
you took it
dangled it above your head
in triumph and victory
then you sit me on a shelf
to dust and rust
you forget about me
because there are always bigger trophies
to win

it could be your ignorance
telling your friends i’m not
a part of your world
i’m transient, a stranger
you’re such a cold-blooded creature
yet my cheeks go warm and flush
when someone mentions you in a room just because
it’s been so long since i’ve seen your face
take me back to that cinema hallway
when we brushed shoulders
but never turned back
you’d pay to watch something for an hour
but not the direction of where i’m at

perhaps the culprit lies
within the fact that when you play
my favorite song on the stage
i can only sit in the audience clapping
and when the girls hand you store-bought flowers
i walk away, don’t fuss, i’m trying
because you don’t remember me at all
you no longer remember how
once upon a time you conjured feelings
we were perfect for a second
shipwreck the next
so what’s the point of staying
darling, can you tell me that?

then there’s you
sauntering above this holy crust
making promises that made me swoon
i adored the conversations,
they venture so deep into the night
it’s moments like these i want to make right
i see you around now
i am looking for you
i can’t remember your voice,
so i make it up in my mind
you feed me with words
and pave the way with more
who was it that gave you
the key to my door?


the way you look at her
is the way i look at you
the eyes were made for one
but your heart was made for two
upon knowing you’ll never look at me that way
my eyes crashed into a river
that carried the faith away from my heart
draining, draining, raining, raining
it’s so dark inside
(but only you can shed the light)

when you miss her
i’m missing you
what can she do?
what can’t i do?
i’ll write you songs
i’ll write you poems
i’ll make a palindrome
based off your name
but you’ll never read one because
it’s so hard to fit the perfect words
when there are no words perfect enough
to fit you


we don’t/won’t call anymore
you can’t/don’t remember my birthday
i still wish/beg you never said what you said
and see your shadow/person everywhere i go
you visit my dreams/nightmares
your words/kisses make me so afraid
to move on/let go

i think when you left
you took a piece of my heart with you
leaving my heart with a hole in the form
of your silhouette
that’s why when i find somebody else
to fix that hole,
they can’t
and they wouldn’t stay
are you the best i’ll ever get?

you showed me the best of a boy
the worst of a man
so you’ll understand when i can’t comprehend why
to this day i still haven’t found someone better than you